The Lump

One study showed that men were six times more likely to leave their spouse after that spouse received a cancer diagnosis. Even more so if that cancer was breast or cervical.

I’d be lying if I said those statistics didn’t cross my mind when I got the call.

“At least I’m single,” I thought. “No man to coddle through this.”

Is it cancer?
Highly suspicious is where I’m at right now.

It was just a routine mammogram. Not my first.
I remember joking that they were flattening them more than my kids already had.
The nurse told me they would call if the doctor saw anything.

I didn’t give it another thought.
I went about my day until the call came shortly after.
There was a lump.

It took my breath away.
I’m too young.
I’m a single mother.
I have no family.
I’m in the middle of making lunch...

I went to my bedroom, lifted my shirt, and felt carefully.

There it was.
This... thing.
It didn’t belong there.

So many women came forward with words of encouragement. They told me their stories of abnormal mammograms. They said it was common.
They said not to worry.
That everything would be fine.

I worked nonstop. I fell asleep in my chair most nights.
Lying in bed meant silence.
And silence meant thoughts.
And thoughts meant worry.

Then came the ultrasound.
I told myself to be optimistic. Think positive.

So many pictures.
The screen lighting up in purple.
I asked if she saw anything.

She said she couldn’t confirm anything until the doctor reviewed it. She said she would be right back.

She wasn’t.
The minutes dragged on.
And I knew.

Eventually she returned.
It would need to be biopsied.

The medical notes said it was in the milk duct, with surrounding blood flow, highly suspicious for cancer.
The biopsy will confirm.

The tears came suddenly.
Easily.
I didn’t expect them.
I wasn’t worried for me, I was worried for my children.
What does this mean for them?
A single mom doesn’t get sick days.

And in the middle of all this?
One random image I can’t get out of my head:
A cake from The Oprah Winfrey Show in the 90s.
She had done an entire campaign encouraging women to get mammograms.
I was just a kid, but I never forgot that cake.
It was shaped like squished boobs.
I remember thinking it was the funniest thing I’d ever seen.

I guess sometimes, we have to laugh
Because otherwise, all we’d do is cry.